I remember the first time I fell in love. I remember how it felt. I remember how I felt alive. I remember knowing he would be gone one day. I can still remember the details I tried so hard to burn into my memory so I would never forget them. I knew my heart would ache when he was gone because it hurt so much just to think of it. I don't think I ever got over it. I think I was okay until I met him. I think I've felt incomplete ever since.
I've spent years trying to get that feeling back, longing to find that overwhelming sensation of pure euphoria again. I believe that was when I became co-dependant. I have never felt complete or happy without a man since. I feel completely alone and disconnected without one. I feel lost. I feel empty. I feel scared. I don't feel adequate. I feel needy. I hate it.
I feel that way again today. The difference between then and now is that I have found that One true love. The One who fills my void. His name is Jesus Christ. He is the lover of my soul. He is the One I have spent my whole life yearning for. I think what I felt back when I was 16 is just a glimpse of what I'll feel when I am finally in the presence of Jesus. To view Him in all His splendor (thanks Amie) worshipping Him in the way I was created to do, that is when that void will be gone. I was created with that void for a reason. To draw me to Him. To show me that something is missing.
I know Jesus. He has completely rescued me. He is the knight in shining armor that I have always wished would show up. He's my hero. He is all I need to feel complete.
Today my desire to feel that hero in the flesh is so strong that it cripples me. So strong that I feel so sad and alone and I go back to my ways and yearn for a man to make me whole. My God loves me and He knows the desires of my heart and he touches me everyday in the flesh through my children with that pure untainted love that He has for me. I love Him so much it overwhelms me.
I am walking away from an unhealthy relationship. I believe I have to do so in order for me to heal. I know this will be very hard for me. I have spent almost the last twenty years making sure I didn't have to go through life alone because I was scared to. Now I'm scared to stay in the relationship I am in more than I am to be alone.
What I do here and now is critical to my recovery. I have to break this cycle that I have created of unhealthy relationships. I am who I am in Christ not in my relationships with men. This will be one of the hardest things I have to do, but God made sure I'm not doing it alone. He is always with me. He is carrying me through. I am excited to see what's on the other side of this dark valley because I know that He is going to bring me through it and bless me from it.
Today my daughter and I participated in San Antonio's Life Chain. This was my second one and her first. I plan to take the other two as well next year. The event was from 2-3pm and we were running late. I was actually quite glad that we did because we got to see all the other people standing on the streets holding signs. We also got to be one of the cars, minivan actually, honking while driving by. April really got a kick out of that part.
