I remember the first time I fell in love. I remember how it felt. I remember how I felt alive. I remember knowing he would be gone one day. I can still remember the details I tried so hard to burn into my memory so I would never forget them. I knew my heart would ache when he was gone because it hurt so much just to think of it. I don't think I ever got over it. I think I was okay until I met him. I think I've felt incomplete ever since.
I've spent years trying to get that feeling back, longing to find that overwhelming sensation of pure euphoria again. I believe that was when I became co-dependant. I have never felt complete or happy without a man since. I feel completely alone and disconnected without one. I feel lost. I feel empty. I feel scared. I don't feel adequate. I feel needy. I hate it.
I feel that way again today. The difference between then and now is that I have found that One true love. The One who fills my void. His name is Jesus Christ. He is the lover of my soul. He is the One I have spent my whole life yearning for. I think what I felt back when I was 16 is just a glimpse of what I'll feel when I am finally in the presence of Jesus. To view Him in all His splendor (thanks Amie) worshipping Him in the way I was created to do, that is when that void will be gone. I was created with that void for a reason. To draw me to Him. To show me that something is missing.
I know Jesus. He has completely rescued me. He is the knight in shining armor that I have always wished would show up. He's my hero. He is all I need to feel complete.
Today my desire to feel that hero in the flesh is so strong that it cripples me. So strong that I feel so sad and alone and I go back to my ways and yearn for a man to make me whole. My God loves me and He knows the desires of my heart and he touches me everyday in the flesh through my children with that pure untainted love that He has for me. I love Him so much it overwhelms me.
I am walking away from an unhealthy relationship. I believe I have to do so in order for me to heal. I know this will be very hard for me. I have spent almost the last twenty years making sure I didn't have to go through life alone because I was scared to. Now I'm scared to stay in the relationship I am in more than I am to be alone.
What I do here and now is critical to my recovery. I have to break this cycle that I have created of unhealthy relationships. I am who I am in Christ not in my relationships with men. This will be one of the hardest things I have to do, but God made sure I'm not doing it alone. He is always with me. He is carrying me through. I am excited to see what's on the other side of this dark valley because I know that He is going to bring me through it and bless me from it.
I've spent years trying to get that feeling back, longing to find that overwhelming sensation of pure euphoria again. I believe that was when I became co-dependant. I have never felt complete or happy without a man since. I feel completely alone and disconnected without one. I feel lost. I feel empty. I feel scared. I don't feel adequate. I feel needy. I hate it.
I feel that way again today. The difference between then and now is that I have found that One true love. The One who fills my void. His name is Jesus Christ. He is the lover of my soul. He is the One I have spent my whole life yearning for. I think what I felt back when I was 16 is just a glimpse of what I'll feel when I am finally in the presence of Jesus. To view Him in all His splendor (thanks Amie) worshipping Him in the way I was created to do, that is when that void will be gone. I was created with that void for a reason. To draw me to Him. To show me that something is missing.
I know Jesus. He has completely rescued me. He is the knight in shining armor that I have always wished would show up. He's my hero. He is all I need to feel complete.
Today my desire to feel that hero in the flesh is so strong that it cripples me. So strong that I feel so sad and alone and I go back to my ways and yearn for a man to make me whole. My God loves me and He knows the desires of my heart and he touches me everyday in the flesh through my children with that pure untainted love that He has for me. I love Him so much it overwhelms me.
I am walking away from an unhealthy relationship. I believe I have to do so in order for me to heal. I know this will be very hard for me. I have spent almost the last twenty years making sure I didn't have to go through life alone because I was scared to. Now I'm scared to stay in the relationship I am in more than I am to be alone.
What I do here and now is critical to my recovery. I have to break this cycle that I have created of unhealthy relationships. I am who I am in Christ not in my relationships with men. This will be one of the hardest things I have to do, but God made sure I'm not doing it alone. He is always with me. He is carrying me through. I am excited to see what's on the other side of this dark valley because I know that He is going to bring me through it and bless me from it.
3 comments:
To expect from another person what only God can provide through Christ is, in essence, idolatry.
This frequently occurs in a marriage relationship where the expectation is that another human will fill that void, but the other human instead helps along the road to holiness by living close enough to reveal our imperfections and to increasingly grow our awareness of our need for Christ.
I'm reminded of Augustine's prayer:
"Thou hast made us for Thyself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in Thee."
Don't feel like you are alone in how you feel. I think many go through this. My greatest fear is not heights or snakes or spiders or anything like that. It is being alone. I think alot of it is because when I am alone I dwell on who I was the last time I felt alone (being without a mate or close friend). Now when you are alone you know that you aren't alone - He will never leave you. He is with you in the happy times, sad times, really hard times - all the time. So when you get the feeling of being physically alone remember that His hand touches you - whether it is through another person or an angel or any other way that God manifests His touch.
When you get in those moments dive into the Word or pick up the phone - we have been there and your right it is an ugly place to be no matter what your past - your present is full of people praying for you, loving you and wanting to spend time with you.
I love you sister - your decisions are hard but only you know what God is telling you to do and we are here to pray with you and support you through it - no matter what.
Whew, I love you guys.
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